Here are 100 jokes!
Joke #1
Person 1 says: I broke a record today!
Person 2 says: Really? I thought that you could only break vases and your mom's favourite pottery that she has had for decades and that you are fed up of!
Joke #2
Question: What did the man say when he walked into a bar?
Answer: Ouch!!!
Joke #3
Question: What did the policeman say to his belly?
Answer: You are under a vest!
Joke #4
Question: Why did the dog cross the road?
Answer: To get to the shops, do you find that funny?
Answer: The dog din't either because the shop was closed.
Joke #5
Question: Doctor, doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?
Answer: Run after it!
Joke #6
Question: Who works at MI5 on christmas day?
Answer: Mince spies?
Joke #7
Question: Who was the first underwater spy?
Answer: James Pond!
Joke #8
Question: How much did the pirate pay for his wooden leg and featsome hook?
Answer: An arm and a leg
Joke #9
Question: Why did the robber have a bath before he robbed the bank?
Answer: Because he wanted to get a clean get away!
Joke #10
Question: What do you call a bird that floats on the sea surface?
Answer:Bob
Joke #11
Question: What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes?
Answer: A nervous wreck!
Joke #12
Question: What did the sea say to the boat?
Answer: Nothing, it just waved.
Joke #13
Question: What did the ground say to the earthquake?
Answer: You crack me up
Joke #14
Question: What is a snake's favourite subject?
Answer: Hisssstory!!!
Joke #15
Question: Why was the snake good at maths?
Answer: It was an adder!
Joke #16
Question: What goes zzub zzub?
Answer: A bee flying backwards
Joke #17
Question: What did the elavator say to the other elevator?
Answer: I think i'm coming down with something!
Joke #18
Question: What type of shoes do frogs like?
Answer: Open-toad shoes!
Joke #19
Question: What can people always count on?
Answer: Their fingers!
Joke #20
Question: Why can't you play cards in a jungle?
Answer: There are too many cheetahs around!
Joke #21
Question: What gets wetter the more it dries?
Answer: A towel!
Joke #22
Question: How do you count cows?
Answer: Using a cow-culator!
Joke #23
Person 1: Knock knock
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Catch
Person 2: Catch who?
Person 1: Catch me if you can!
Joke #24
Person 1: Knock knock
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: I need a p...
Person 2: I need a p-who!
Person 1: You should go to the toilet then!
Joke #25
Question: What does a policeman listen to while he's on the beat?
Answer: An uplod
Joke #26
Question: Why was everyone really tired on 1st April?
Answer: They had just finished a march of 31 days!
Joke #27
Person 1: Knock knock
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Boo
Person 2: Boo who?
Person 1: It was only meant to be a joke!
Joke #28
Question: What colour is a burp?
Answer: Burple!
Joke #29
Question: What kind of dance do you do on a trampoline?
Answer: Hip-hop!
Joke #30
Question: Why did Tigger look inside the toilet?
Answer: He couldn't find Pooh!
Joke #31
Question: Where do horses live?
Answer: In neigh-borhoods?
Joke #32
Question: What's black and white and red all over
Answer: A zebra with a rash
Joke #33
Question: What's black and white and red all over?
Answer: A penguin with sunburn.
Joke #34
Question: Why did the man freeze his money?
Answer: He wanted cold, hard cash!
Joke #35
Question: What weighs 6 tons and wears glass slippers?
Answer: Cinder-elephant!
Joke #36
Question: What kind of bow can't you tie?
Answer: A rainbow!
Joke #37
Question: What do you call a boomerang that dosen't come back?
Answer: A stick
Joke #38
Question: Why did the baseball player goto jail?
Answer: He stole second base!
Joke #39
Question: What did one volcano say to the other?
Answer: I lava you!
Joke #40
Question: What penalty do you need a credit card for in hockey?
Answer:Charging
Joke #41
Question: Why was the belt arrested?
Answer: Because it held up some pants!
Joke #42
Question: What do you call a space magician?
Answer: A flying saurcerer!
Joke #43
Question: What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
Answer: A pouch potato!
Joke #44
Question: Why did the movie star goto the river?
Answer: She wanted to give out some otter-graphs!
Joke #45
Question: What is the best smelling position on a football team?
Answer: Right Guard!
Joke #46
Question: What do trees drink?
Answer: Root beer
Joke #47
Question: Why don't grasshoppers goto baseball games?
Answer: They prefer cricket!
Joke #48
Question: What happens when dogs come in from the snow?
Answer: They become slush puppies!
Joke #49
Question: What animal is best at hitting a ball?
Answer: A bat!
Joke #50
Question: How do you fix a car in Scotland?
Answer: With Scotch tape!
Joke #51
Question: What kind of fur do you get from a werewolf?
Answer: As far as you can get!
Joke #52
Question: What is a mosquito's favourite sport?
Answer: Skin diving
Joke #53
Question: Why did the crocodile take the stairs?
Answer: It missed the ele-gator
Joke #54
Question: Why are hairdressers fast drivers?
Answer: Because they know all of the shortcuts!
Joke #55
Question: Why do vampires use breath freshener?
Answer: Because they have bat breath!
Joke #56
Question: What do you call a surgeon with eight arms?
Answer: A doctopus!
Joke #57
Question: What do you get when an elephant sneezes?
Answer: Out of the way
Joke #58
Question: What did the duck say to the cashier?
Answer: Just put it on my bill
Joke #59
Question: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Answer: Frostbite!
Joke #60
Question: Have you heard the joke about the butter?
Answer: I won't tell you! You might spread it
Joke #61
Question: What can you use to make cats fly?
Answer: A cat-apult!
Joke #62
Question: Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Answer: Because 7-8-9 (seven ate nine)
Joke #63
Question:what's a sharks favourate game?
Answer: Bite and Seek.
Joke: #64
Question: What did the ghost say to the other?
Answer: Get a life , dude!
Joke #65
Question: Why didn't the skeleton go swimming?
Answer: Because he had nobody (no body ) to go with.
Joke #66
Question:Why did the cannibal go to the wedding reception?
Answer: So he could toast the happy couple!
Joke: #67
Question: What did the monster say to a human fast asleep in his bed?
Answer: Mmmmm! Breakfast in bed.
Joke #68
Question: How do you get breakfast in bed first?
Answer: Sleep in the kitchen!
Joke #69
Question: What do you call an anxious dinosour?
Answer: A nervous rex.
Joke #70
Person 1: Doctor , Doctor there's something terribly wrong with my throat. What should I do?
Person 2: I know what to do , go over there and stick your tounge out the window.
Person 1: Will this help?
Person 2: No I just hate my neighbours.
Joke #71
Question: What's the worst vegetable to have on a boat?
Answer: A leek.
Joke#72
Person 1:Knock Knock
Person 2:Who's there?
Person 1:Doctor
Person 2:Doctor who?
Persson 1: You just said it you spoil sport!
Joke #73
Person 1: Did you know my mom died her hair yesterday?
Person 2:Really?
Person 1: Yes were all very sad about it.
Joke #74
Question: What did Snow White say whilst she was waiting for her papers to print?
Answer: ( One day my prints will come !)
Joke #75
Question: What happened when a icicle landed on my dad?
Answer: It knocked him out cold.
Joke #76
Question: How do snowmen get to work?
Answer: By icicle ( Bicycle )
Joke #77
Question: Why are soldiers so tired on April 1st?
Answer: They've just completed a 31 day march ( March )
Joke #78
Question: What sort of star is dangerous?
Answer: A shooting star.
Joke #79
Person 1: My teacher said if I have 10 oranges in one hand and 7 in the other what will I have?
Person 2: Big hands!
Joke #80
Question: Why shouldn't you believe a person in bed?
Answer: Because he/she's lying.
Joke #81
Question: What did the cake say to the knife?
Answer: You wanna a piece of me?!
Joke #82
Question: What do Italian ghosts eat?
Answer: Spook-ghetti.
Joke #83
Question: What's yellow and stupid?
Answer: Thick custard.
Joke #84
Question: What's the wettest animal in the world?
Answer: A Rain -deer.
Joke #85
Question: What did the toilet say to the other?
Answer: You look a bit flushed.
Joke #86
Question: What do you call a fairy who hasn't taken a bath?
Answer: Stinkerbell.
Joke #87
Question: When is cricket a crime?
Answer: When there's a hit and run.
Joke #88
Question:What do joggers do when they forget something?
Answer: They jog their memory.
Joke #89
Question: How do you make a witch itch?
Answer: Take away the W.
Joke #90
Person 1: Knock knock
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Leave
Person 2: Leave who?
Person 1: Leave me alone!
Joke #91
What do you get when you cross Santa Clause and a Pirate?
Yo Ho Ho!