Here are 100 jokes!

Joke #1
Person 1 says: I broke a record today!
Person 2 says: Really? I thought that you could only break vases and your mom's favourite pottery that she has had for decades and that you are fed up of!

 

 

Joke #2

 

Question: What did the man say when he walked into a bar?

Answer: Ouch!!!

 

Joke #3

 

Question: What did the policeman say to his belly?

Answer: You are under a vest!

 

Joke #4

 

Question: Why did the dog cross the road?

Answer: To get to the shops, do you find that funny?

Answer: The dog din't either because the shop was closed.

 

Joke #5

 

Question: Doctor, doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?

Answer: Run after it!

 

Joke #6

 

Question: Who works at MI5 on christmas day?

Answer: Mince spies?

 

Joke #7

 

Question: Who was the first underwater spy?

Answer: James Pond!

 

Joke #8

 

Question: How much did the pirate pay for his wooden leg and featsome hook?

Answer: An arm and a leg

 

Joke #9

 

Question: Why did the robber have a bath before he robbed the bank?

Answer: Because he wanted to get a clean get away!

 

Joke #10

 

Question: What do you call a bird that floats on the sea surface?

Answer:Bob

 

 

Joke #11

 

Question: What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes?

Answer: A nervous wreck!

 

Joke #12

 

Question: What did the sea say to the boat?

Answer: Nothing, it just waved.

 

Joke #13

 

Question: What did the ground say to the earthquake?

Answer: You crack me up

 

Joke #14

 

Question: What is a snake's favourite subject?

Answer: Hisssstory!!!

 

Joke #15

 

Question: Why was the snake good at maths?

Answer: It was an adder!

 

Joke #16

 

Question: What goes zzub zzub?

Answer: A bee flying backwards

 

Joke #17

 

Question: What did the elavator say to the other elevator?

Answer: I think i'm coming down with something!

 

Joke #18

 

Question: What type of shoes do frogs like?

Answer: Open-toad shoes!

 

Joke #19

 

Question: What can people always count on?

Answer: Their fingers!

 

Joke #20

 

Question: Why can't you play cards in a jungle?

Answer: There are too many cheetahs around!

 

Joke #21

 

Question: What gets wetter the more it dries?

Answer: A towel!

 

Joke #22

 

Question: How do you count cows?

Answer: Using a cow-culator!

 

Joke #23

 

Person 1: Knock knock

Person 2: Who's there?

Person 1: Catch

Person 2: Catch who?

Person 1: Catch me if you can!

 

Joke #24

 

Person 1: Knock knock

Person 2: Who's there?

Person 1: I need a p...

Person 2: I need a p-who!

Person 1: You should go to the toilet then!

 

Joke #25

 

Question: What does a policeman listen to while he's on the beat?

Answer: An uplod

 

Joke #26

 

Question: Why was everyone really tired on 1st April?

Answer: They had just finished a march of 31 days!

 

Joke #27

 

Person 1: Knock knock

Person 2: Who's there?

Person 1: Boo

Person 2: Boo who?

Person 1: It was only meant to be a joke!

 

Joke #28

 

Question: What colour is a burp?

Answer: Burple!

 

Joke #29

 

Question: What kind of dance do you do on a trampoline?

Answer: Hip-hop!

 

Joke #30

 

Question: Why did Tigger look inside the toilet?

Answer: He couldn't find Pooh!

Tigger_n_pooh.jpg Baby Tigger image by Idania1718

 

Joke #31

 

Question: Where do horses live?

Answer: In neigh-borhoods?

 

Joke #32

 

Question: What's black and white and red all over

Answer: A zebra with a rash

 

Joke #33

 

Question: What's black and white and red all over?

Answer: A penguin with sunburn.

 

Joke #34

 

Question: Why did the man freeze his money?

Answer: He wanted cold, hard cash!

 

Joke #35

 

Question: What weighs 6 tons and wears glass slippers?

Answer: Cinder-elephant!

 

Joke #36

 

Question: What kind of bow can't you tie?

Answer: A rainbow!

 

Joke #37

 

Question: What do you call a boomerang that dosen't come back?

Answer: A stick

 

Joke #38

 

Question: Why did the baseball player goto jail?

Answer: He stole second base!

 

Joke #39

 

Question: What did one volcano say to the other?

Answer: I lava you!

 

Joke #40

 

Question: What penalty do you need a credit card for in hockey?

Answer:Charging

 

 

Joke #41

 

Question: Why was the belt arrested?

Answer: Because it held up some pants!

 

Joke #42

 

Question: What do you call a space magician?

Answer: A flying saurcerer!

 

Joke #43

 

Question: What do you call a lazy kangaroo?

Answer: A pouch potato!

 

Joke #44

 

Question: Why did the movie star goto the river?

Answer: She wanted to give out some otter-graphs!

 

Joke #45

 

Question: What is the best smelling position on a football team?

Answer: Right Guard!

 

Joke #46

 

Question: What do trees drink?

Answer: Root beer

 

Joke #47

 

Question: Why don't grasshoppers goto baseball games?

Answer: They prefer cricket!

 

Joke #48

 

Question: What happens when dogs come in from the snow?

Answer: They become slush puppies!

 

Joke #49

 

Question: What animal is best at hitting a ball?

Answer: A bat!

 

Joke #50

 

Question: How do you fix a car in Scotland?

Answer: With Scotch tape!

 

 

Joke #51

 

Question: What kind of fur do you get from a werewolf?

Answer: As far as you can get!

 

Joke #52

 

Question: What is a mosquito's favourite sport?

Answer: Skin diving

 

Joke #53

 

Question: Why did the crocodile take the stairs?

Answer: It missed the ele-gator

 

Joke #54

 

Question: Why are hairdressers fast drivers?

Answer: Because they know all of the shortcuts!

 

Joke #55

 

Question: Why do vampires use breath freshener?

Answer: Because they have bat breath!

 

Joke #56

 

Question: What do you call a surgeon with eight arms?

Answer: A doctopus!

 

Joke #57

 

Question: What do you get when an elephant sneezes?

Answer: Out of the way

 

Joke #58

 

Question: What did the duck say to the cashier?

Answer: Just put it on my bill

 

Joke #59

 

Question: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

Answer: Frostbite!

 

Joke #60

 

Question: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

Answer: I won't tell you! You might spread it

 

 

Joke #61

 

Question: What can you use to make cats fly?

Answer: A cat-apult!

 

Joke #62

 

Question: Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Answer: Because 7-8-9 (seven ate nine)

 

Joke #63

 

Question:what's a sharks favourate game?

Answer: Bite  and Seek.

 

Joke: #64

Question: What did the ghost say to the other?

Answer: Get a life , dude!

 

Joke  #65

Question: Why didn't the skeleton go swimming?

Answer: Because he  had nobody (no body ) to go with.

 

Joke #66

Question:Why did the cannibal go to the wedding reception?

Answer: So he could toast the happy couple!

 

Joke:  #67

Question: What did the monster say to a human fast asleep in his bed?

Answer: Mmmmm! Breakfast in bed.

 

Joke #68

Question:  How do you get breakfast in bed first?

Answer: Sleep in the kitchen!

 

Joke #69

Question: What do you call an anxious dinosour?

Answer: A nervous rex.

 

Joke #70

Person 1: Doctor , Doctor  there's something terribly wrong with my throat. What should I do?

Person 2: I know what to do , go over there and stick your tounge out the window.

Person 1: Will this help?

Person 2: No I just hate my neighbours.

 

Joke #71

Question: What's the worst vegetable to have on a boat?

Answer: A leek.

 

Joke#72

Person 1:Knock  Knock

Person 2:Who's there?

Person 1:Doctor

Person 2:Doctor who?

Persson 1: You just said it you spoil sport!

 

Joke #73

Person 1:  Did you know my mom  died her hair yesterday?

Person 2:Really?

Person 1: Yes were all very sad about it.

 

Joke #74

Question: What did Snow White say whilst she was waiting for her papers to print?

Answer: ( One day my prints will come !)

 

Joke #75

Question: What happened when a icicle landed on my dad?

Answer: It knocked him out cold.

 

Joke #76

Question: How do snowmen get to work?

Answer:  By icicle ( Bicycle )

 

Joke #77

Question: Why are soldiers so tired on April 1st?

Answer:  They've just completed a 31 day march ( March )


Joke #78

Question: What sort of star is dangerous?

Answer: A shooting star.


Joke #79

Person 1: My teacher said if I have 10 oranges in one hand and 7 in the other what will I have?

Person 2: Big hands!


Joke #80

Question: Why shouldn't you believe a person in bed?

Answer: Because he/she's lying.


Joke #81

Question: What did the cake say to the knife?

Answer: You wanna a piece of me?!


Joke #82

Question: What do Italian ghosts eat?

Answer: Spook-ghetti.


Joke #83

Question: What's  yellow and stupid?

 Answer: Thick custard.


Joke #84

Question: What's the wettest animal in the world?

Answer: A Rain -deer.


Joke #85

Question: What did the toilet say to the other?

Answer: You look a bit flushed.


Joke #86

Question: What do you call a fairy who hasn't taken a bath?

Answer: Stinkerbell.


Joke #87

Question:  When is cricket a crime?

Answer: When there's a hit and run.


Joke #88

Question:What do joggers do when they forget something?

Answer: They jog their memory.


Joke #89

Question: How do you make a witch itch?

Answer: Take away the W.


Joke #90

Person 1: Knock knock

Person 2: Who's there?

Person 1: Leave

Person 2: Leave who?

Person 1: Leave me alone!

Joke #91

What do you get when you cross Santa Clause and a Pirate?

Yo Ho Ho!

Joke #92

Question:Where did the fish go on hoilday?

Answer:Finland

Joke #93

Question:Why did the fish leave the sea?

Answer:Because they were filming the movie "Jaws" round where he lived

Joke #94                                               

Knock KNOCK

Person 1:who's there?                           

Person 2:me                               

Person 1:me who?

Person 2:ME , NOW OPEN THE DOOR !!!

 

Joke #95

Person 1:Is that poo on your sandwich?

Person 2:I thought it was chocolate spread!

Joke #96

Bart Simpson:Eat my shorts!

Millhouse:Ok

Bart Simpson:NOT LITERALLY!!!

Joke #97

Question:Why should you never go near a radiator?

Answer:If it is on it there could be a snake inside!

Joke # 98

Person 1:Doctor,doctor i'm miserible

person 2:Here have some laughing gas

Person 1:Ha ha ha ha ha...e.c.t

Person 3:Mom's DEAD!!!

Person 1:Ha ha ha ha...

Person 3:It's not funny!!!

Joke #99

Question:Why did the Nurse take a red marker to the hospital?

Answer:Incase she had to draw blood

Joke #100

Person 1:Were having your Nan for dinner today

Person 2:Can't we have Chicken instead?!

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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